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Yelp Prison Reviews: The Luxury Of Water

A Real Review of a Real Correctional Facility


While not your most comfortable accommodations, the flirty conversation provided by the men in blue was an especially nice touch. They really know how to make a girl feel special. Even the street savvy purveyors of flesh were treated with the kind of respect usually reserved for your average starlet. We were also allowed to partake from the same unsanitary fountain (which I believe doubles as a urinal); that is, when we were actually allowed the luxury of water. I tried to explain to the officer the benefits of hydration but he just looked at me as if I had blown a .16.

However, not to be dissuaded, I found a sympathetic ear in my new friends, Champagne and Caviar. Not only were they complementary in name and nature, they both had formidable booties and stilettos to match. I was impressed! They taught me so many street savvy thing like how to tape down one’s penis. Who knew jail could be so…educational?

Being locked up has meant so many things to me. I will never bitch about my mattress again just because it’s too “firm.” You want to feel firm? Try sleeping on a bench for several hours. Now that’s what you fucking call firm. Nor will I ever discriminate against tap water again, especially when it comes from my OWN faucet! I’ve come to realize that not everything in life has to be “just right.” Everything is right when you’ve been handed back your freedom!

WeHo jail – educational AND spiritually cathartic! Best of all, supported by the taxpayers! Now, here’s some education for you should you find yourself in this unfortunate scenario:

1 – Always take a blood test so your attorney can test it independently. Cops will try to scare you into believing you’ll spend more time in jail if you don’t submit to a breathalyzer. Technically, you will spend more time in jail—blood tests take time, period.

When getting pulled over, politely tell the officer that per advice from your attorney (even if you don’t have one), you have the right to not incriminate yourself by answering whether or not you’ve been drinking. Yes, you will go to jail but the less said, the better. Besides, you’re going to jail anyway. Why make it harder for yourself in the long run?

3 – Find the most aggressive scumbag attorney possible. Okay, seriously, try to find a former district attorney. If you can afford it. I can’t afford it. Or rather, my cheapskate boyfriend can’t afford it. So he says. But if you can sell some items, or go work in a brothel, or pick up some part time work as a drug dealer, or sell your soul to Satan, or blackmail your local congressman, do it!

4 – Avoid all this mess by simply picking up the phone and calling a cab. It’s the difference between forty bucks and four thousand dollars for legal help, not to mention various fines and the humiliation of blowing into a contraption attached to your steering wheel (of course, in L.A., getting a DUI seems to be a rite of passage). Let’s not even mention your car insurance skyrocketing and all those stupid classes you’re forced to attend where you’ll be inundated with second hand smoke and pity stories by professional drunks. And, lest I sound like a complete narcissist, there are other lives at stake!

5 – Possibly the most important piece of advice I can pass on: Fire your so called designated driver (who got drunk on the “job”) as a friend. Cuz with homeys like that, who needs enemies.